Weighty

Honestly...I have no idea if that is an actual word. You are probably thinking great way to start off your blog, "dum-dum." I say, this is the only place I can ramble, so if "weighty" isn't a word, continue reading and pretend it is! I've wanted to start a blog for a long time..so to be sitting here writing my first post is pretty exciting! I decided to title my blogs with just one word, i thought it would be kind of neat and reflective to have to sit and sum up what I am feeling and where I am walking at a particular moment in my day with just a single word.

Today I feel "weighty."

synonmys:
heavy
grave
serious

You get the idea. I have had a rough couple of weeks. Lots of wrestling with the Lord, about relationships, my idols, my selfishness...the list could go on..and on..and on...and even as i'm looking at that list everything is about me...not about Him..I find it so frustrating @ times to be so self involved, so concerned with just my life, my situation, and what I deserve and don't deserve. I'm in this season where my heart is just yearning to be close to the Lord, to know Him, to be like Him, to just sit and bask in His presence, to worship Him just because He is good, and faithfull, and because He loves me despite of me, despite of my hang-ups, despite of my heart (which the Bible says is deceitfully wicked). What I found in my wrestling with my sin is how beautiful Jesus is. How much mercy and grace He has lavished over my life, even when I have been so completely undeserving.

Tonight I am reading in Romans 5: 1-11:
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person--though for a good person one would dare even to die--but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since therfore, we have now been justified by His blood, much more shall we be saved by Him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of His son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Wow..How good is our God?
As I was sitting in the Lord's presence tonight, I was thinking just about how much mercy He shown to me..sometimes I forget to look @ the grace.

I have 2 year old little girl! Her name is Ella. She is beautiful. She is smart. She is so loving. She's inquisitive, and innocent, and I love every single thing she does, every word, every giggle....EVERYTHING. Tonight, during a "pity-party" moment with the Lord. I realized that Ella is God's grace wrapped in a blonde headed, blue eyed tiny little 2 year olds body. You'd think I would have had that epiphany before now, but I haven't...I was thinking about August 2008..Ella was about to be welcomed into this world...and I was terrified..I had no idea how to be a mother, a provider, and everyday my stomach would tighten just a little more as that reality closed in around me. I wasn't married, I wasn't even with Ella's dad anymore. I was alone which made that gut wrenching reality even tougher to face. In a brief stint of a relationship a child was created, and I deserved all of God's wrath to be poured out over my life. Yes, I had to take responsibility for the choices I made, my life would drastically change forever, but God delivered consequences in the most beautiful way possible. He gave me this little life to mold, this precious little girl to love, to bring up in Him, to mother, to teach, to laugh with, to hold, to be in awe of...and I sit here thinking why me? Not because im ungrateful, but because my heart overflows with gratitude to a God, my God who loves me enough to reveal His mercy and grace in the form of a precious little girl named Ella. Thank You Lord!!! How simply sweet it is to be able to look back over three years of my life, and see how God's love has showered over my life, how not until now have I been able to look back and see the grace of God in my own story...