Quieted

It's been a couple of months since my last post..lots has gone on, for instance Ella turned three(WOW), we had a summer full of happy, precious memories at the pool, mommy daughter dates incapable of producing anything except for a heart full of gratitude, and a new little journey in our own home with our sweet friends Erin and Kinsley! God is good...and by good I mean, faithful, true, all knowing, gracious, merciful, right in His timing, unwaivering, and CAPABLE of turning doubt into quiet submission.

The theme this summer in my heart, and in my mind, and undoubtedly in my actions..has been chaos. Yes, chaos and I have become best buds. Probably because if I'm honest my Bible has been closed the majority of the time, my mornings haven't started in an honest conversation with God, and my eyes have closed most nights without acknowledging to Jesus my hurts, my hang-ups, my joys, my gratitude, or most importantly His charcter. Why do I do this? That ? seems to be on repeat in my thoughts most days, very rarely getting answered despite the nagging impulse in my heart for it to be addressed, wrestled with...

So lately i've felt empty, i've been struggling with ALOT of doubt, and whats really unnerving about those feelings is, I haven't cared, it's just felt easy not to press into Him. Let me clarify, though..it is not because of a lack of His presence weighing down on me, but more a stubborness on my part to trust in His love, & His provision and direction in my life. I can't believe I just admitted I struggle to trust God, it's much easier to say I do, to lie to myself and to everyone else around me, and to have this shallow idea of how big He actually is, or maybe if im really honest maybe its me thinking I am bigger than I am or ever will be. To constantly profess my belief, to profess my love, to profess what I know to be true about the nature and character of Jesus, but to be uncertain about my actual trust in Him, when I'm alone with Him by myself makes me so sad. I want to make that leap, I want to be sure of who I am in Him, I dont want to doubt. So am I impatient? Yes, I know I am. I want all of Him right now, I want my doubt healed, I want to be mature in Christ, but I'm toddling around right now, and I am aware that this is part of my path to be close to Him. So today I will let Him quiet my weary soul...I will open His word , and I will pray with eagerness and for trust and any bit of understading I get will be more than I had before. I will wait, and I will expect, and be overly truthful about where I am walking...and in that hope I will trust that this heart, this broken wicked heart of mine will be quieted.