Quieted

It's been a couple of months since my last post..lots has gone on, for instance Ella turned three(WOW), we had a summer full of happy, precious memories at the pool, mommy daughter dates incapable of producing anything except for a heart full of gratitude, and a new little journey in our own home with our sweet friends Erin and Kinsley! God is good...and by good I mean, faithful, true, all knowing, gracious, merciful, right in His timing, unwaivering, and CAPABLE of turning doubt into quiet submission.

The theme this summer in my heart, and in my mind, and undoubtedly in my actions..has been chaos. Yes, chaos and I have become best buds. Probably because if I'm honest my Bible has been closed the majority of the time, my mornings haven't started in an honest conversation with God, and my eyes have closed most nights without acknowledging to Jesus my hurts, my hang-ups, my joys, my gratitude, or most importantly His charcter. Why do I do this? That ? seems to be on repeat in my thoughts most days, very rarely getting answered despite the nagging impulse in my heart for it to be addressed, wrestled with...

So lately i've felt empty, i've been struggling with ALOT of doubt, and whats really unnerving about those feelings is, I haven't cared, it's just felt easy not to press into Him. Let me clarify, though..it is not because of a lack of His presence weighing down on me, but more a stubborness on my part to trust in His love, & His provision and direction in my life. I can't believe I just admitted I struggle to trust God, it's much easier to say I do, to lie to myself and to everyone else around me, and to have this shallow idea of how big He actually is, or maybe if im really honest maybe its me thinking I am bigger than I am or ever will be. To constantly profess my belief, to profess my love, to profess what I know to be true about the nature and character of Jesus, but to be uncertain about my actual trust in Him, when I'm alone with Him by myself makes me so sad. I want to make that leap, I want to be sure of who I am in Him, I dont want to doubt. So am I impatient? Yes, I know I am. I want all of Him right now, I want my doubt healed, I want to be mature in Christ, but I'm toddling around right now, and I am aware that this is part of my path to be close to Him. So today I will let Him quiet my weary soul...I will open His word , and I will pray with eagerness and for trust and any bit of understading I get will be more than I had before. I will wait, and I will expect, and be overly truthful about where I am walking...and in that hope I will trust that this heart, this broken wicked heart of mine will be quieted.

Flawless

hahaha I cracked up as I titled this post. I mean I'm feeling flawless..really? Quite the opposite end of the spectrum from yesterday when I was feeling, "weighty." Funny the dramatic change in my mood. I will tell you I am not without weight today, but I feel just a tiny bit less bound by my own chains today than yesterday. My feelings of flawlessness come not from an arrogance of who I am in myself, but how I am seen in the eyes of my sweet King. I came across a verse today that has always been one I run to. Actually I didn't so much come across it, as I thought of it this morning and it has been sweetly resonating with me all day long. When every flaw within me seems like its staring me straight in the face, this is how Jesus looks at me. Song of Solomon 4:7 You are all beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you. The God of this universe knows where i'm walking. He knows all that I'm carrying. He knows how much I judge myself. He knows my heart. This verse stirs up so much affection in me for Him..that He might give me a picture of how He sees me...so that at any given moment in my day I can stop, and reflect on His great love for me. I can just have peace in knowing that my God sees me as beautiful, even though i'm filthy...how sweet it is to be loved by Him. In the madness of my day to day life, I love to stop and reflect on what the Cross of Christ means for me..that i'm purchased. He wanted me so much for Himself that even though He knew my future sin He bound me to Himself with His blood. What a freedom we have in Him, we dont have to work to get Him, to somehow achieve His love, its just freely given.

Weighty

Honestly...I have no idea if that is an actual word. You are probably thinking great way to start off your blog, "dum-dum." I say, this is the only place I can ramble, so if "weighty" isn't a word, continue reading and pretend it is! I've wanted to start a blog for a long time..so to be sitting here writing my first post is pretty exciting! I decided to title my blogs with just one word, i thought it would be kind of neat and reflective to have to sit and sum up what I am feeling and where I am walking at a particular moment in my day with just a single word.

Today I feel "weighty."

synonmys:
heavy
grave
serious

You get the idea. I have had a rough couple of weeks. Lots of wrestling with the Lord, about relationships, my idols, my selfishness...the list could go on..and on..and on...and even as i'm looking at that list everything is about me...not about Him..I find it so frustrating @ times to be so self involved, so concerned with just my life, my situation, and what I deserve and don't deserve. I'm in this season where my heart is just yearning to be close to the Lord, to know Him, to be like Him, to just sit and bask in His presence, to worship Him just because He is good, and faithfull, and because He loves me despite of me, despite of my hang-ups, despite of my heart (which the Bible says is deceitfully wicked). What I found in my wrestling with my sin is how beautiful Jesus is. How much mercy and grace He has lavished over my life, even when I have been so completely undeserving.

Tonight I am reading in Romans 5: 1-11:
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person--though for a good person one would dare even to die--but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since therfore, we have now been justified by His blood, much more shall we be saved by Him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of His son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Wow..How good is our God?
As I was sitting in the Lord's presence tonight, I was thinking just about how much mercy He shown to me..sometimes I forget to look @ the grace.

I have 2 year old little girl! Her name is Ella. She is beautiful. She is smart. She is so loving. She's inquisitive, and innocent, and I love every single thing she does, every word, every giggle....EVERYTHING. Tonight, during a "pity-party" moment with the Lord. I realized that Ella is God's grace wrapped in a blonde headed, blue eyed tiny little 2 year olds body. You'd think I would have had that epiphany before now, but I haven't...I was thinking about August 2008..Ella was about to be welcomed into this world...and I was terrified..I had no idea how to be a mother, a provider, and everyday my stomach would tighten just a little more as that reality closed in around me. I wasn't married, I wasn't even with Ella's dad anymore. I was alone which made that gut wrenching reality even tougher to face. In a brief stint of a relationship a child was created, and I deserved all of God's wrath to be poured out over my life. Yes, I had to take responsibility for the choices I made, my life would drastically change forever, but God delivered consequences in the most beautiful way possible. He gave me this little life to mold, this precious little girl to love, to bring up in Him, to mother, to teach, to laugh with, to hold, to be in awe of...and I sit here thinking why me? Not because im ungrateful, but because my heart overflows with gratitude to a God, my God who loves me enough to reveal His mercy and grace in the form of a precious little girl named Ella. Thank You Lord!!! How simply sweet it is to be able to look back over three years of my life, and see how God's love has showered over my life, how not until now have I been able to look back and see the grace of God in my own story...